I could feel it.
There was an odd, ineffable tension between my boyfriend and this woman we often ran into.
I know you will understand when I tell you it was eating at me.
One night I worked up the courage to ask him if there was any history between them.
He told me (quite unconcerned) they had had a sexual relationship a few years before.
I was furious. I wanted to throw something at him (I didn’t.)
I wanted to run (I didn’t.)
I did get up and lock myself in the bathroom for a good long while.
I was in agony.
I confirmed my worst suspicions: My boyfriend had a past. (You know, like every other human on Earth.)
OK. Those were not my worst suspicions. Here they are: I can be very insecure, in particular in relation to my man and other women and sex.
Which has more to do with me and my upbringing and beliefs than with him.
So I worked through it:
I read a lot about jealousy, where it comes from, why it happens and how it’s defined.
I went to therapy to figure out where this came from and how I could recognize it and grow from it.
I wrote and wrote and wrote about it (writing helps me process things.)
I went to yoga to breathe deeply (jealousy was suffocating me so I decided breathing would be a good antidote, and it was) and practiced letting go and calmed down and chose trust.
Trust in myself.
This was my big realization: (which I am sharing in the hope that it helps you)
If I left my (wonderful) boyfriend over this I would slam into this jealous wrath and this extremely painful and increasingly corrosive reaction again and again.
I would take this everywhere.
To free myself from this feeling I needed to address the source: the source was not his behavior.
The source was me.
P.S – I can’t say I’m free from jealousy but I’d say I’m 90% there (and realize it’s something I will have to work on for the rest of my life.)