Growing up I’ve never had as much confidence as I would like. I think I used to compensate for it by being over the top loud… Something I still do.
Yes, I do cringe sometimes whenever I thought back to those moments. It makes it easier to make friends but oftentimes there would be barriers. No matter how much I want to be a part of a group, I know deep down I’m the type of person who could easily fade away from their memory. Part of me wish I could be outgoing as I hope to be, but the truth is I’m not. I don’t like going out, I don’t like interacting with a big crowd. I don’t get anxiety but I do get bored. Real fast. I would say I’m tiptoeing the line of anti-socialism. Sometimes I think if I ever get a partner in life, I would be afraid of getting bored with he/she.
Ironically I can’t stand people when they’re too loud. I never find anyone interesting enough to engage with, and small talks baffle me to say the least. My interest is not of the niche variety, but I would be hard pressed to find someone who likes the same thing as I do. And even then what would we talk about? We like the same thing, move on!
I sound like I’m an ingrate and I probably am. I’m not a terrible person, if anything I’m just self-preserving. I look out for no one but myself… mostly. So am I heartless that I don’t care about the little things in life? Or do I have no life to speak of simple as that?
Not that I’m completely unfeeling, I see someone’s FB post living the dream and I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy and loneliness. But I’m content, I like that simple things please me. But then, maybe I’m just a boring and dull person living in a colorful world.
Looking back, I doubt this answers your question… I hope this doesn’t depress you.